At first, I was rather surprised to see it has been an entire year since I have written in this blog. But then I thought about everything that has happened this year, and honestly, it feels like a blur, so thatās probably why it escaped my mind.
It has been a better year, I think. In a lot of ways, I am slowly crawling out of the depression that Iāve been in since 2021 or so. Iām slowly getting back into my bo
dy and starting to take better care of myself. It feels really good, but I am also proud of myself for not being anal about fitness for several years. I needed to strike a balance, especially as someone who suffers from āall or nothingā and āblack and whiteā thinking and who has struggled with disordered eating for a very long time.
However, in general, I have not taken good care of myself in 2023. Half of this year Eric, my spouse, has not had a job, and weāve realized this has become a pattern since the first time Eric took full-time work in 2014 or so. Eric tends to keep a job for around 2 years and get sacked for various reasons usually related to ārestructuringā or some other vague neoliberal reason for the corporation and billionaires involved to make more money or preserve their millions. I am at a breaking point when it comes to my 7-day, 12-hours-a-day work week. After I graduated with my first masterās degree, I started working and building my private music studio, which meant working 12-hour days, 7 days a week, and I havenāt looked back. It started that way because I needed to build my business, but it was also because my first spouse was a bit of a slacker and did not work, and then went to grad school himself. So I worked and worked and worked. So many jobs. Building my business, indexing, grad school stipend, church musician gigs, adjunct gigs. Fast forward from 2005 to 2024 and Iām basically doing the same thing, except now I have fancier titles. I have an established brick-and-mortar private music studio business in Brooklyn, NYC, but to keep it solvent I work six days a week (and it is barely solvent with all of the expenses). On top of that, I teach as an Adjunct Assistant Professor at two area universities and receive healthcare (thankfully) and other protections due to my union-won benefits. It is an improvement from my grad school days, but I am working way too hard for what I have, which is not enough to support us. We need to be a dual-income family. We cannot survive in this world with Eric constantly losing a job without notice every few years. Itās like we have to budget with one income so that we can just be grateful to be able to save the second income or something.
So I am burned out. I am sick of prioritizing other people and work over my needs. I am sick of not prioritizing my self-care, of not enforcing my boundaries, and of putting up with bullshit. My bullshit meter is so full and out of whack that it is broken beyond repair. It is my turn to invest in myself and to take care of myself and to prioritize my happiness. Iāve done it before (DIVORCE!) and I can do it again. Not to mention that I have several serious chronic disabilities and I want to be able to live into old age. Not to mention, I would like to retire, not that that is something millennials like me will actually be able to do.
So 2024 is going to be about prioritizing my family and my health and saying NO to people asking for crazy favours, saying no to resentments, saying no to unrealistic schedules, and the rat race. Softening and slowing down in 2024. I hope I can do it.