As this absolutely hellish year in the Gregorian calendar comes to a close, I find myself reflecting feeling grateful to have survived thus far and also for the people who love me.
Dec/Jan 2021/2022
2021 ended with me being rushed to the hospital with an absolutely HORRIFYING accident and emergency surgery. It was one of the worst experiences of my life, and that's a life that includes a traumatic fire, a lifetime of hospital visits and chronic illness, and other traumas, so that's saying something. 2022 began similarly with me in the emergency room yet AGAIN. Sheesh. These were some of the things I overcame.
I also had to watch my father finally die from esophageal cancer in February. This was profoundly painful, and it is not a death I would wish on anyone. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I had a very complicated relationship with my father. I’m not going into anymore details out of respect for my grieving mother, but he was a very difficult person and father. Not to be disrespectful, but while I was very sad for him and for the painful death he had, my sister and I have breathed a sigh of relief that he is gone. But weirdly, that did not make the process of grieving easier. The grief has been mostly for the relationship that could have been. I wish I had a father who had access to mental health resources after serving as soldier in Vietnam. I wish I had a father who was able to be empathetic, compassionate, kind, and loving, and who was not dogmatic and fanatically Christian and Conservative.
February was also the year I broke my leg and had surgery. The incidents are connected with my father’s death. I was in a lot of emotional pain, and I was unable to express the emotions properly. I do not have many outlets for my intense emotions, which is a common problem for many people with borderline personality disorder (BPD). At the time, I was seeing a therapist maybe every other week, and did not know about the resources I now have access to (it took me a while to research them!), one of which is a trauma therapist I see an hour every week now. It is extremely difficult to obtain adequate mental healthcare in this country, even for privileged insured folx like me. The broken leg was devastating, both physical and emotionally. I became extremely depressed.
Spring Semester 2022
I was also dealing with disability discrimination at one of my places of employment, and was not getting much support from higherups there. I am still not getting much support, although people have at least heard me. I do not know if anything is going to be done at all. I slipped into another true depression for the first time in my life. I am finally snapping out of it, I think, now, although I have my moments.
The spring 2022 semester was 100% the hardest semester of my career as an adjunct. I taught it from a wheelchair and then crutches. I struggled with adequate accommodations and disability support at one institution, and endured disability discrimination (and still do, of course). The students were extremely understanding and supportive, but my colleagues and the administration were not. This was soul-crushing.
Personal
I continue to experience difficulty with certain interpersonal relationships. That, too, is very common for individuals with BPD. While I have mended fences with my immediate family members, I have others through marriage who I have not been successful in achieving a repaired relationship. It frustrates me that people recognise that you have a mental diagnosis and then expect you to not act like it and suddenly become better. Maladaptive behaviours and coping mechanisms are not easily discarded. They are rather gradually unlearned, and oftentimes there are moments of relapse. Patience and compassion are 100% necessary throughout the healing period, and for lifelong maintenance!
I did, however, assert some independence and boundaries and finally decided to let go of some relationships that were not serving me. In the end, to be honest, I think it was best for all parties concerned, and while it might have been painful (although probably these individuals are happy to see me go!), I am feeling much lighter. It was a struggle. I genuinely loved these people, but the relationships became so much work, and I came to feel as if I were a burden to the others—that my type of psychology was just too much for them. I don’t think you should be friends with someone who gives you the impression that you are too much. That is not okay.
Summer of Empowerment
Summer 2022 saw me taking on a lot of new opportunities and new paths. I slowly ventured out of my COVID bubble. I had a friend visit for the first time in a very long time. I turned 40 and had my first party in a long time. I got COVID, unfortunately (thanks, in-laws, BOOO). I did not get as much work done as I wanted (because of COVID). I had to reclaim my power back after my disastrous semester of being discriminated against and belittled and discarded at my job and by the aforementioned relations and “friends”.
Positives
Another thing I did to take back my power was actively choose my community. I joined Humanistic Judaism. It was the first time I have really, truly made a decision to join a community. I joined Episcopalians in 2007, but I don’t really feel like it counts because I had already been brainwashed into Christianity when I was raised evangelical. I took all of my beliefs for granted. There is something so special about making a choice for your own, instead of just believing what your parents believe. It’s very liberating and special. On December 21st, I went to the Upper West Side mikveh and had my beit din. I joined Secular Humanistic Judaism for a vast number of reasons, which you can ask me about sometime.
I’ve really gotten into research trauma and its impact on mental health and disability, as well as neurodivergence. I’m really excited about this work.
More positives are my spouse, Eric, and my closest friends. I am so grateful for you, more than words can express.